Today, I wake up wondering how my life again has begun to feel empty of life. There is a routine. There is action throughout my day. Some steps are taken to acquire some sense of peace and belonging, and yet there is always an endless yearning for something more.
There is something missing. This can’t be how life was meant to be lived. Life cannot be so empty. Structured. Secure. Easy in the most difficult way imaginable.
I had found the peace that I was looking for at one point. When I had taken off on a backpacking trip into New Zealand with no plans for how I would spend my time or make my money. The adventure was real then. Life was more exciting and whole. Every day was an adventure. I had finally felt life coursing through my veins. I was unsafe without a safety net and yet, all of my joys were heightened along with the stresses of ensuring my stability and well-being. I did survive after all. For 2 years I traveled like that, through New Zealand, Australia, Fiji, Thailand, France, and then back home. My life was exciting then and then as quickly as it had all begun, it had stopped.
I had fallen back into a stable job. I began to acquire more things with bigger and better places to live so that I may store my things. The more I had the less I FELT. Life lost it’s vibrant colors, except for on the occasional outings into nature, when I would drag my kayak out on to a river or lake, or pulled my camping gear out into the woods somewhere.
Recently, I’ve been through an awakening of sorts and the adventure bug is biting me in the ass again. I’ve rewatched the movie Into the Wild which was so responsible for my adventures in the first place and it lit a fire within me once again. I’ve grown weary of the stale monotony of domestic living. My life is passing me by. Perhaps this is a calling to shake my life up once again and to leave behind security. To take risks and live wildly, without trying to micromanage how my future may unfold. To live in the moment without worrying about the future or the past.
“Nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.” – Jon Krakauer
May this passage serve as the beginning to a new adventure. May I reclaim the excitement again of not knowing what the next day brings. For now, I dream and prepare.